Informal Journal

     It has been a long time since I have posted but I have continued to write poetry. I believe I have improved since I started this blog and soon I will post one that I am very proud of. Poetry has really helped me with understanding myself and expressing my insecurities. I wish that the people that come across my poems will enjoy them and even possibly help them feel less alone. I often feel very lonely but when I read poems that I can relate to I feel as if I am not alone. 

    Recently I submitted two poems to a poetry contest and I hope I win but I also do not mind not winning. One of the poems was about aging and the other is about self harm and more specifically drug use. I think both topics share a similar feeling. They are both about feeling abandoned lonely and segregated from the world. 

    Often I wish I could take my hand and stab it into myself and physically remove this heaviness that I feel in my chest but that is not possible so I write about it and lately I have also been recording music to accompany some of the poetry I write. Often I feel as if I do not belong in this poetic world or even the creative world. As a child I was much better at math and science than at English, so often I thought creating and art was not for me. I eventually decided that that was not true but I can't help but sometimes stop and think to myself, "I am not meant for this".  

    I stopped writing for a while because I was diagnosed with cancer and I was not as prepared to face it as I thought. I was delusional and kept telling myself I was fine when I wasn't ultimately I ended up doing worse academically and in my personal life because of that stubbornness. Some would say I was resilient but that is not true I am stubborn. I ended up hurting a person I deeply cared for, to an extent still do, and I have a hard time forgetting that. In turn I hurt as well and I still hurt but my stubbornness carries me forward. 

    I hope to continue working on this blog as time goes on and if anyone reads this I hope your day goes well and you hang in there.